Chapter 23

The day after the police report had been filed, Jun regretted everything. He regretted filing it, he regretted coming back to Tokyo, he regretted not letting himself sink when his brothers pushed him off that cliff into the water. The damn cliff he’d seen in his nightmares last night, and not even getting cuddled by both cat and boyfriend and roommate had helped him go back to sleep.

 

Juudai had tried to calm him down enough to get at least a little more rest, but he had ended up just staring out the window at the dark sky where it was raining lightly, the raindrops pattering against the glass sounding like thunder to his strained senses. At least he was warm and cared for, Juudai to his left and Misawa to his right, Cheeseburger draped over his chest and throat, purring like a motorboat.

 

He looked between the peacefully sleeping men on either side of him, Juudai draped all over him, holding him close with his nose against his collarbone. Misawa was tucked snugly against his side, deep in sleep.

 

Cheeseburger stirred, shuffling around until she was face to face with Jun, pawing his face. He wormed his arm out from underneath Misawa and scratched her behind the ear, hearing her trill and nuzzle her face into his hand. Quietly, he spoke to her. “I’m sorry for dragging you into all this. Sorry that you ended up with such a wreck like me.” She only gave his knuckles a few licks in answer before kneading his chest (reminding him that he had to trim her claws, cus ouch) and settling down there, her head resting under his chin.

 

He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to sleep, but in the end he didn’t get any rest at all.

 

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In the morning he downed four cups of coffee in quick succession. He knew Juudai and Misawa were worried about him, but he didn’t have the energy to pretend to be fine. Not like they’d buy it anyway, they knew where he’d been the day before, and what he’d dreamt about during the early night. Something inside him told him that this was all going to go to hell, that all of them, all his friends, were going to die because of him.

 

Staring out the window where he sat perched on the kitchen counter right next to the coffee maker, Misawa looking at him with hesitation at leaving him to go to work. He heard him and Juudai talk out in the hall when the man had to leave, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. He just felt… empty.

 

He startled when hands cupped his cheeks, not even having noticed Juudai coming up to him. He hadn’t been able to stop staring in the direction of Marunouchi, but here Juudai was, making him turn his head away to look into his eyes. “Hey, Jun. You need to book an extra appointment with Inaba? Or just talk or chill for the day.”

 

With a deep sigh, Jun leaned into the warm touch on his boyfriend’s hands, letting his eyes slip shut. The comfort in having Juudai so close was huge, even though he knew he still wouldn’t get to sleep if he went back to bed. “Just… uh, can we just, cuddle for a while…?” He felt his face grow hot, keeping his eyes closed in embarrassment. They cuddled a lot, but he’d never actually asked for them out loud. They both just had a tendency to seek each other out when they felt like it, though Juudai liked to ask for kisses a lot, because it still made his cheeks glow red to be asked for affection. When he’d wanted genuine attention from his brothers they’d just brushed him off or mocked him, but Juudai didn’t do any of those things.

 

Looking down at Juudai from where he was seated on the counter, the brunette had a warm smile on his face. “I’ll cuddle you as much as you want. Come on.” He wrapped his arms around Jun and to Jun’s embarrassment, lifted him into his arms, shifting until he was carrying him like a groom would a bride in a romantic comedy. It felt silly, but he enjoyed it surprisingly much. Though the emptiness didn’t go away, it lightened its hold on his heart and brain for a moment.

 

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In the end, Jun managed to book an extra meeting with Inaba-sensei the next day, and after hearing just about the minor details of why he needed it, the therapist easily agreed to set a morning time aside for him, though due to the short notice, they were doing it online. After that, Juudai decided that they needed a bath, and asked if Jun wanted to bathe together. After some embarrassed hesitation, the raven agreed.

 

At this point, he’d seen Juudai naked several times, but this sort of relaxed intimacy still felt unreal. It wasn’t like he was some blushing virgin (though everything like that still made him blush, so half of it was accurate) who hadn’t his fair share of nude people, especially considering his time at the cheap gym, but it was somehow so much more intimate to help someone else wash themselves and get helped back. Juudai would pepper his face and neck with kisses, gently brushing his lips against his scars in a way that made him hate them less. Getting called beautiful even though he felt anything but made his heart race, and he had to pour an entire bucket of water over both of them before he said something stupid like ‘I love you’ or ‘marry me’. But god, he really really loved this man so much.

 

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It was only a little after three in the afternoon, but they were already tucked back in bed. They were watching a movie on Misawa’s tablet, something Jun didn’t pay attention to beyond the white noise it gave to keep his thoughts at bay. He was warm, clean and felt a more pleasant sort of numb than before. It was like cotton had replaced his brain where he was squashed between Juudai’s warm chest and Cheeseburger’s purring form. After not having gotten any proper sleep the night before, Jun finally fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

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He ended up sleeping all afternoon and all night, waking up just before five in the morning due to Cheeseburger getting ready to raise her food alarm. He took her into his arms and kissed the top of her head as they went into the kitchen so he could give her breakfast. He felt well rested for the first time in ages, and was in a fairly good mood until he remembered what was going on. He had his meeting with his therapist in four hours, and he could already tell he would get more and more anxious the longer he waited, so he left a note for the other two men sleeping in the apartment and headed for the building’s gym. He needed to tire himself out again, or he knew he would explode come nine o’clock.

 

Misawa was the one who found him first, having gotten out of bed before Juudai woke up and found the note. Jun, concentrating so hard on each step he took on the treadmill, didn’t notice him until he saw something move in the corner of his eye and he almost fell over when he missed a step, but Misawa helped him get off the treadmill before he could hurt himself, simply lifting him off it. Jun wondered if he really weighed that little that he was that easy to carry around. He didn’t really want to know, honestly, he’d been avoiding the scale.

 

“Hey,” Misawa greeted as he let Jun back on the ground and pressed the stop button on the machine. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I called your name.”

 

Jun felt his face flush and he rubbed the back of his neck. “No one used my real name in years so I... don’t always remember that it’s me you’re talking about. Takes me a moment to remember it’s not someone else being called.”

 

“Hmm, that makes sense.” Jun could see on his face that it made him sad to think about. He didn’t really know what to say to not make it that way though, it just… was the way it was. Jun wasn’t an uncommon name, so he’d had to train himself to be unresponsive to it as much as possible. The reason he reacted so easily to it back a few weeks ago was because the voice had been so familiar. How could he not react when it was Juudai calling out to him?

 

Jun looked over at the clock on the wall, eyes widening. He hadn’t noticed how much time had passed. Seeing the look on his face, Misawa looked concerned. “How long have you been up here?”

 

“Uuuh. Three hours…? A little longer…?” Misawa rubbed his temples, then offered a hand. “That explains why you look so bad. Come on, you need to eat and drink something.” Jun accepted it, feeling a bit out of it. He really hadn’t realised how long he’d been there. It’s not like he’d been going hard or anything, just enough to keep his mind occupied. His leg hurt like all hell now that his pulse was lowering, and he was pretty sure he would barely be able to walk come tomorrow. Well, he’d been in some amount of pain already after twenty minutes, but he had used it as a distraction from his thoughts. He’d ignored how bad of an idea it was to keep going anyway, and his body was definitely going to punish him for it.

 

When they came back to the apartment, Juudai was up and reading the note. He turned around when he heard the door open, and stared at Jun in surprise. “When did you go up to the gym to look like that?”

 

“After I fed Cheeseburger.”

 

“Oh. You’ve got your meeting in like 30 minutes, are you going to be okay?” They all knew Jun’s cat liked her early breakfasts, but there was no use dragging out how bad it was for Jun to work out for so long and on top of that with no food or water in his system. It might not be the healthiest coping mechanism, especially not in the long run.

 

“I… regardless, I need this meeting, I think.”

 

“Okay, but you’re gonna have something to eat and drink before that. Can’t have you passing out or anything, right? We like you too much to let you do that to yourself.”

 

Jun felt heat grow on his face again at the words of affection when he was ushered to the kitchen table and the other two started preparing breakfast, forcing him to remain seated and told him no, you’re not allowed to help out right now, just sit there and drink some water.

 

It was weird, but it felt kind of nice being doted on.

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